Quetiapine Diary: Day 6

Depression is doing its utmost to eclipse the happiness I so desperately cling to. Each day feels longer, and the sleepless nights drag on as I am kept awake by disturbing hallucinations. The mood swings have become vicious and more frequent, meaning that within a matter of hours I can hit rock bottom maybe two or three times. During this time I’ve found myself re-living  painful memories that are brought ever closer to the surface in vivid detail, leaving me broken and inconsolable. Going back to work has become unrealistic, and even the comforts of volunteering will have to be avoided until I can maintain some control over the side-effects. It’s exhausting, but rather than push me further away from my eventual ambition of emotional stability, it’s ignited a resistance to the illness that I never knew I had.

There’s a determination now that I’ve never felt before. Every time I’m thrown into the depths of depression I know that I can pull myself back, just as I have done on countless occasions before. This hasn’t stopped me struggling, nor do I expect it will, but rather it keeps the light at the end of the ever growing and increasingly formidable tunnel very much alive. For that I’m grateful. Sometimes I forget just how fortunate I am; there’s a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and I’m surrounded by people I love. Sure I face some hurdles, but they are barely comparable to the challenges faced by many. As I continue my treatment, enduring the pills I have grown to resent, I maintain a motivation to get back to a position where I know I can be relied upon and indeed be able to give back to those who continue to offer nothing but support and kindness. A thank you feels rather insulting due to its complete inadequacy, but for now I have no other way to express my appreciation, for you are the ones who have saved me time and time again.

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8 thoughts on “Quetiapine Diary: Day 6

  1. With an attitude of determination to survive, I have no doubt you will. I’m glad you’re keeping the mood log. It will help your doctor see exactly what is going on and then take one step closer to stable. You’re working thru some of the most difficult times. I have no doubt you will reach your goals. Have a great day. 🙂

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  2. Rachel, this has to be difficult. While it’s exhausting, it sounds as though your mental, emotional and physical reserves are coming to the forefront to strengthen you. This strength will get you through this discovery process with the information you need to partner with your doctor to establish your treatment. Not only will you reach your goal of stability; the work you’re doing now will allow you will thrive.

    My heart and prayers are with you.

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