The Long Road to Diagnosis (Part 2)

So there I was, drowning under the weight of my own fabricated reality. I willed myself to be rational, but reason was quickly escaping me and it wasn’t long before all that remained was raw, destructive emotion. Fear, anger and depression became one relentless force determined to sever me from my own being, to the point where I no longer recognised who I was. Instinctively I shut myself off from the comforts of everyday life, and locked myself away in my room to suffer the physical torment in a place where I knew I couldn’t hurt anyone else. I lay there, defeated, accompanied only by screams of self-loathing and vicious taunts that echoed in my head for hours on end, until it truly felt as if time itself had become a redundant concept. But then things began to change; the hateful screams became distant whispers and the heavy weight of unhappiness and despair that had so greatly burdened me was ever so slightly lifted. Just as quickly as I had rapidly deteriorated, things were picking up and I soon went from strength to strength.

Within just a few days I was back to feeling as normal as ever, and I quickly dismissed the episode as a one-off occasion. Excuses were made to friends about the complete lack of communication and general absence over the previous days and no more was said on the matter. In all honestly, I could barely remember quite how severe the incident had been and for many reasons it was easier forgotten about than spending time dwelling over what could have possibly caused it. I was happy again and for me that was all that was important, and for something that seemed so very unlikely to ever happen again I thought myself lucky to have only had to endure it for little over a week. Unfortunately for me the period of normality only lasted for a very short amount of time and I was soon faced with another indication that there was something very wrong.  This time, however, the warning signs presented themselves in a way that couldn’t have been further from the initial wave of depression I had become so lost within, and consequently proved to be far more perplexing.

5 thoughts on “The Long Road to Diagnosis (Part 2)

  1. The depression part of bipolar has been far more frequent for me. Although the manic side has done its damage, it has occurred with less frequency. I remember trying to explain the feeling to someone as being slowly sucked down a drain, being fully aware of it happening, and being unable to prevent it. The shutting myself away still occurs, but I know now when I need to re-emerge, catch the light.

    Yep, we bears need to stick together. Great blog name.


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